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Apr. 9th, 2019 04:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sigmalephI don't think I'm cut out for heroic responsibility
I found the concept inspiring, at times. I want to be the sort of person that sees a problem needs solving, that it isn't being solved, and says "I will". Even if other people don't see the problem and taking a stance on it is weird and socially costly. Even if it's a difficult problem and requires cleverness and hard work. I am clever, right? Surely the hard work would come around.
Turns out, no. I don't respond to a need for hard work by working hard. Sometimes I try and burn out, sometimes I just get avoidant and distract myself with something else. It turns out also that recognising that this is a bad pattern is not enough to stop it, I just become avoidant and self-aware about it.
My motivational system is broken, or maybe I just don't know how to direct it. Maybe it works exactly as it should, by which I mean it notices I am doing something unpleasant with no immediate benefit to me and tells me to go do something that feels nice, and it doesn't care about s2-level arguments about it being actually really important. And maybe some people know how to work around that, people argue themselves into doing unpleasant, not-immediately-rewarding work for long stretches of time all the time. Which just goes back to 'maybe it's broken, or I don't know how to use it'
I don't even know what the fuck I'd use it on anyway. Should I be trying to mitigate existential risk, or did I just get sucked in with a group of people who think that's important and I believe it because they seem smart and I want them to think I'm smart? Should I be trying to stop fascism, or did the people arguing for it as a rising threat just hijack my emotional system and I want them to think I'm a good person? Should I be trying to convince the people I agree with not to embrace their enemies worst tactics, or is that just refusing to use the methods that work because I want to feel principled? To what extent do I let my perception of what other people think of me control what I let myself believe? More than I'd want, obviously, but again it's not a matter of saying "well, then I'll stop doing that". Should I just use all that hard work I can't do to figure out the right answer? If I'm gonna do the impossible, might as well do the impossible twice, right?
I found the concept inspiring, at times. I want to be the sort of person that sees a problem needs solving, that it isn't being solved, and says "I will". Even if other people don't see the problem and taking a stance on it is weird and socially costly. Even if it's a difficult problem and requires cleverness and hard work. I am clever, right? Surely the hard work would come around.
Turns out, no. I don't respond to a need for hard work by working hard. Sometimes I try and burn out, sometimes I just get avoidant and distract myself with something else. It turns out also that recognising that this is a bad pattern is not enough to stop it, I just become avoidant and self-aware about it.
My motivational system is broken, or maybe I just don't know how to direct it. Maybe it works exactly as it should, by which I mean it notices I am doing something unpleasant with no immediate benefit to me and tells me to go do something that feels nice, and it doesn't care about s2-level arguments about it being actually really important. And maybe some people know how to work around that, people argue themselves into doing unpleasant, not-immediately-rewarding work for long stretches of time all the time. Which just goes back to 'maybe it's broken, or I don't know how to use it'
I don't even know what the fuck I'd use it on anyway. Should I be trying to mitigate existential risk, or did I just get sucked in with a group of people who think that's important and I believe it because they seem smart and I want them to think I'm smart? Should I be trying to stop fascism, or did the people arguing for it as a rising threat just hijack my emotional system and I want them to think I'm a good person? Should I be trying to convince the people I agree with not to embrace their enemies worst tactics, or is that just refusing to use the methods that work because I want to feel principled? To what extent do I let my perception of what other people think of me control what I let myself believe? More than I'd want, obviously, but again it's not a matter of saying "well, then I'll stop doing that". Should I just use all that hard work I can't do to figure out the right answer? If I'm gonna do the impossible, might as well do the impossible twice, right?
